Experiment #13: The love-crazed fool
Hypothesis (prediction before the date): This guy has in no way been shy about the fact that he likes me. He’s gone so far as to say he thinks we have chemistry. Yes, chemistry, based on messages sent via IwillMarryTheNextPersonWhoSeemsMildlyInterested.com. He offered to take me wine tasting hours away from here, or to my absolute most favorite geeky science museum, but I couldn’t see myself spending more than two hours with this guy without feeling completely smothered.
Materials (the guy, the place, any other variables):
- He also works in the wine industry, like so many guys I seem to be matched with. He’s fluent in Spanish, as am I, and this is allegedly the first date he is going on since he signed up for HowAmITheOnlySinglePersonIKnow.com
- We’re going to a place around the corner from my house where a certain Ben Stiller movie was filmed. Or rather, one scene was filmed there…
Procedures (omg what happened???): Wow, I didn’t know someone could be that enamored with me after talking online a few times. I think he’s just a really passionate person, which I can relate to, but his excitement for me was a little overwhelming. Like, why are you all starry-eyed on the FIRST DATE? Can you calm down a bit please, cos you’re making me nervous… The tool was also uncomfortably awkward and optimistic, but not to this degree.
First, this Subject showed up dressed much nicer than I would have expected with – get this – a single red rose. WHO DOES THAT??? He insisted on impressing me with a really expensive wine (and by really expensive I mean $60 instead of the usual $30), then proceeded to all but grill me on my personal life, like it’s a job interview or something, but with a twinkle in his eye and a grin from ear to ear. It was like he was interviewing me to be his wife. SO STRANGE.
Let me take a break for a second and talk about the food, because I’m getting overwhelmed again just thinking about it. The food was marvelous. Everything was fresh and local, though I can say some of the flavors were a little overpowering. But the dessert (yes, he insisted that we share dessert and even tried to SPOON FEED ME. Who the hell do you think you are, sir?!) the dessert was heaven. I’ve never had a better cheesecake in my life. It was mascarpone, crustless and drizzled with caramel and sprinkled with candied walnuts. I fell in love that night, but it was not with the Subject. I will be going back to that restaurant EVERY TIME I want dessert from now on. Note it.
Oh, he asked me about other dates I’ve been on via HowAmINotMarriedYet.com. I ask you this, why would you EVER ask about previous dating experiences on a first date with someone, outside the “What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on” getting-to-know-you question?? (Which, BTW, is STILL kinda awkward.) And of course I couldn’t bust out my card and say Well actually my name is Dr. Jane and I conduct experiments with online dating by going out with anyone and everyone who asks, and then I write a blog about it. So I danced around most of his questions because I’m a terrible liar. I think he sensed I was uncomfortable talking about it, because he said “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by talking about it.” I assured him it was no big deal (lie) and that I’d only been on two dates before (lie) and that I think the whole online thing in general is abundantly awkward (truth).
This was the first guy who actually sort of awkwardly leaned in to kiss me. I’m not sure what made him think that was appropriate, since NONE of my body language indicated that such a gesture would be welcomed with anything but the backstep and hand in the face with which it was met. He of course apologized, but I’m hoping that put a hitch in his step towards the wedding aisle.
Results (the good, the bad, and the ugly): Ladies, this is what I was talking about when I said there are people who are online just to find someone to marry because they think it’s the right time/ the next step/ in fashion this season. He wants a wife, and he wants her yesterday. I know a few people I could set him up with, come to think of it… No, Dr. Jane! You are not a matchmaker. You are a dating experimenter. One profession at a time!
Conclusion (overall rating): The restaurant (especially that cheesecake!) immediately shoots this above the 5 rating. The rose is pretty and sitting in my living room next to my xmas tree, so that’s a point. I’d take away points because he was so emotionally aggressive and for the kiss attempt, but that wouldn’t be fair to the rose and the cheesecake. (Seriously, I had dreams about that cheesecake.) So We’ll call it a 5 and leave it at that.
Notes and observaitons
- As I said yesterday, I am getting bored with going out with the exact same guy in different forms, so I switched up my profile in such a way that it is still very much me, but possibly emphasizing different traits. Let’s see if that changes the demographic I pick up from now on…
- This terrifies me in ways I cannot describe. Let’s state the obvious just to get it out of the way:
- I’m guessing the type of person who wants to partake in mouse-assisted interplay isn’t going to look like the models in these pictures.
- THEY HAVE MICE CRAWLING ON THEM IN A BAR.
Now that the air is clear on those two points, there are still so very many things wrong with this concept. The design enough is disturbing enough to call it a day, but the metaphorical hooking up with physically hooking up your mouse tubes makes me uncomfortable in my tummy. So you like mice and mice breeding. That’s fine. I think that’s fun. To each his own. But to make it into a dating concept that you wear in public places takes healthy hobby to a creepy obsession. Then again, maybe if you’re freaky enough to invest in a wearable mouse socialization system, perhaps finding someone just as freaky is exactly what you need. Sort of like the Furries.
- My personal dating life still falls somewhere between disastrous and fantastic, depending on which person we’re talking about me dating. Suffice to say, I expect better things from 2010 than I had in 2009. I’m thinking the motto needs to be “2010: fall in love again.” But I’m reserving the standby, “2010: never gonna love again,” just in case. Don’t worry: I’m still insistent on my Experiments, and you need to start getting excited about the sheer quantity of distain I manage to muster for Valentines Day (or V-day/ VD, as I prefer to call it).
- Once again, Meghan C. McBlogger has captivated everything I could possibly hope to say about a subject in this wonderful exposé on marriage. It simultaneously delights me and concerns me how much my life parallels hers, and that makes for a feeling that can only be cured/ enhanced with snuggy for your neck. I JOKE. That, too, terrifies me.
So check back tomorrow for lucky Experiment #13, and believe you me, it’s a doozy! As always, thanks for reading, and follow me on Twitter (@dbeid) for updates on upcoming dates!
Experiment #12: The spook
Hypothesis (prediction before the date): This guy has been unique to communicate with. And by unique I mean weird. I try to match level of communication with my Subjects, and he literally corresponds one line at a time. HELLOOOOO dude, this is not IM. So I was really caught off guard when I received this email after several single-line messages: “What do you think of me so far.” Well, sir, I think you’re awkward. I didn’t say that though. I said I thought he was quiet. Which obviously means awkward but in a less awkward way. So he said he was really reserved about the whole process because he didn’t even know if I were real. Um… YOU contacted ME. Not like I sent you nude hot pics of myself and promised to be your personal possession/ trophy wife if you wire me $10K tomorrow. No sir, you saw my profile and asked to talk to ME. So don’t act like I’M the potential creeper here (says the girl who is soliciting dates to write a blog…). Naturally I said none of this because he immediately asked me out after that. Well ok then! As long as we get the ball rolling, I don’t really care.
Materials (the guy, the place, any other variables):
- Turns out he works in IT like 40% of the guys I meet in these Experiments. He lives VERY far away from me, but says he comes to my City all the time. He lies. He knows nothing of this place. But it’s cute that he pretends. Oh, and he looks nothing like his profile pic, which was definitely appreciated.
- I’ve been craving some Benihana, but the only one in the City is far, far away from where I want to go (even though he offered to come pick me up. GET REAL!), so I googled “hibatchi grill” and learned two things: there is no T in “hibachi,” and there is one a few blocks from my house. WIN.
Procedures (omg what happened???): Totally not my type, and totally not a hibachi grill, but surprisingly fun anyway. What I mean when I say hibachi grill is this:
What I got was this:
No that is not the ACTUAL restaurant. I ran an image search for “hole in the wall” and this matched what I was looking for quite nicely.
But we got to talking and there is nothing this man felt uncomfortable sharing with me. I mean, he wasn’t sharing his STD test results with me or anything, but I learned all about his dying uncle and his cousin in Iraq, which was a bit uncanny because I have a dying uncle and a cousin in Iraq. I just don’t usually bring these things up on Experiments because they’re kinda downer conversations, amirite?
Bu he’s been to Costa Rica like almost everyone else I’ve met, which means I just have to go. I have to! And he’s really into wine tasting, but not as much as this guy. I don’t know, I’m starting to feel like I’m dating the same guys over and over, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve been selected by my interests and personality to be compatible with them. I think I need to radically alter my profile, not to change who I am but to emphasize different qualities so I can meet new guys, rather than carbon copies of the same men.
Results (the good, the bad, and the ugly): He’s funny, but I can’t remember anything specific that had me laughing. Reminds me of that line in Ocean’s Eleven when Brad Pitt is coaching Matt Damon and he tells him “You need to be funny, but not too funny. He needs to like you, then forget you.” That on top of the weird comment before the date, I wonder if he’s some weird dating double agent. Cute how I’m paranoid that someone’s out to do the exact same thing I’m doing, huh?
Conclusion (overall rating): The food was pretty sub-par, especially when I was expecting an onion volcano and shrimp tails flicked into to the chef’s hat and pocket. But the date was forgettably fun, even if the guy was marginally awkward and uncomfortably endearing. I give it a 5.
Online Dating 101: The conclusion (finally)
I know, I know, I’ve been seriously neglecting you, my readers. I apologize! I actually called in sick to work two days in a row last week, and while that means I should have been able to write more, that’s just not how I roll. But I’m back this week to finish my Online Dating 101 series (finally) and with two more dates for you, then I’ll be MIA for the rest of 2009 while I jet off to the other side of the continent to spend the holidays with my parents. But to be sure I will be back in 2010 with more Double Blind Experiments in Dating!
Now back to this online dating tome I’ve been attempting…
For starters, I’ve been keeping an eye out for links I come across that I think could be useful if you’re going to take a stab at online dating. Like these apps for your iPhone to help you with your game.
OkCupid, in all it’s lack as a dating site in general, has quite usefully produced this article in its blog that breaks out metrics for online dating and physical attractiveness. I can’t be too upset with the results because my demographic tends to fair really well, however I can see how, for example, an African-American woman would pissed about this article, since it basically says that statistically she has the lowest probability of finding a match. LAME. But remember, there are lies, damn lies and statistics. So prove ‘em wrong!
And now, my official rant about reasons for dating. Having gone out with several Subjects whose motives for signing up for OhMyGodHowAmINotMarriedYet.com range from being tired of the bar scene to wanting to replace a fiancé in an engagement that failed just weeks prior, I can tell you that intention has everything to do with the success of your relationship both as it’s developing and how it holds up long-term. So here’s my biggest reservation about digital dating, and I hope you take it not as an attack on the idea of meeting people online but as a mindset that I think is important to maintain: If you want to have a relationship/ get married because you think you’re just ready for that, you’re putting the cart before the horse. Seriously, would you walk into a car dealership and hand them all your money and say “Give me a car, please,” without thinking about what features you want or do not want, and without taking it for a test drive, or even comparing quality and prices across several dealerships? I would hope not. But in reality it seems like some people are so convinced that balled-and-chained is exactly where they want to be that they would gladly spend more time and energy in researching their next vehicle than they would in honestly and objectively considering a relationship (and guess which will likely last longer, the car or the relationship?).
These are the people who I feel honestly picture themselves marrying every single person they date, perhaps as soon as the first date. And yes, if you really just want to settle down, you too can join IdRatherDIEThanBeSingleAnotherNewYears.com and be engaged, possible even married by this time next year. And that might even be that best thing for you. If it is, right on my friend. All I’m saying is that you don’t have to force it. There are plenty of fish in the sea (so many so that they named a dating site after this concept), and rushing down the isle just for the sake of getting there because you think it’s what you are supposed to do will likely result in drama down the road. Head my warning, do what you will.
Ok, so those are my thoughts and recommendations, for now. As always there will be more Experiments and more asides to come, so check back tomorrow for Experiment #12, and be sure to follow me on Twitter (@dbeid) for updates on future dates!
I’m sick…
Sorry. Tomorrow I’ll finish up the Dating 101 like I pormised, and Wednesday you’ll get Experiment #12! Follow me on twitter (@dbeid) or I will cough all over you…
Not happening today, folks
Wow. I have stories.
Last night I went with my smokin’ hot roomies to a bar to watch the Oregon civil war (YEAH DUCKS!). This older guy and his friend are standing near our table, and we casually start talking to them. Roomie #1 falls in love with 60-yo Mike, who is talking about his dogs and his grandkids. It was adorable. I’m talking to Omar, when his friend shows up. And his friend is hot. RIL hot. Like whoa. Totes my type. So I’m talking to this guy, and a few pints of liquid courage prompted the following conversation:
me: OMG are you gonna ask for my number? You should TOTALLY ask for my number. guy: Well I am NOW. me: ok <shit-eating grin> <awkward pause in anticipation> guy: Well I can’t do it right now. I have to wait until it’s casual so I come across as cool. me: <<drool>>He texted me after the game, but my ridiculous self was asleep in bed after the following events occurred: We walked home form the bar, I ordered pizza on the way (nevermind that the pizza place I ordered from is RIGH TNEXT to said bar), I got home and went straight to bed before the pizza even got there. Damn, I’m classy. So I was out by 10 at the latest. But at least I got Hotty McFly to text me. I’m not hopeless after all!
Oh wait… I’m taking the man who inspired the very first sentence of the very first post of this blog about first dates to my company xmas party tonight. See?! I am a basket case 
But unregardless, I am in no condition to impart upon my loyal readers my innermost thoughts on dating and marriage, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. Porbably. I will conclude my Blind Dating 101 series tomorrow. Hopefully.
Follow me on Twitter (@dbeid) for updates on upcomming dates, and a chance to win $1,000,000 this xmas! (not really, but you should follow me anyway.)
Oh, and here is an awesome dating fail moment from the Fail Blog. Enjoy!
Online Dating 101: Communicating and dating
Part I: Communicating
So what do you say to a stranger online? “Hey, I like your… font?” WTF?!?! It’s tricky.
PleaseFindMeASpouseBy2010.com has their site set up so that by the time you have to think of things to say on your own, you’ve already been volleying questions and answers for a few rounds, so it’s a little easier. I tried another site that has little flirtatious gestures you can send, but other than that it’s all on you to come up with something charming and witty to catch your potential Subject date’s attention.
I think this is actually how most dating sites are set up: 1. stalk around until you see someone you think you might like, 2. Good luck! Yes, I can see why you’re feeling discouraged at the very thought of digital dating. I have to admit, sort of “cold calling” some random person is incredibly intimidating, and produces meager results. That’s why I use the PleaseOhPleaseOhPLEASELetMeCatchTheBoquet.com: I’m lazy and I want fast results.
But if you’re not trying to find your future life-mate, and decide instead to opt for a more casual service, here are a few ways to break the ice that will probably be a at least a bit more likely to get a response from your match.
For guys: Don’t tell her how hot she is/ how she’s your dream woman, that she has a nice rack. Yes, girls like hearing this, but only from men we know and trust. If it’s from a stranger, it’s degrading. You can always mention how much her smile or eyes caught your attention, but try not to be creepy about it, mmmk?
For ladies: I’m not a dude, so I can’t be as certain about dos and don’ts, but have a chat with your manfriends and ask them what they would best respond to. They might know you a little better than me (maybe), and they probably have more in common with your prospects than anyone else.
For both: Try not to be too passive OR too aggressive. I know. I’m sorry. What I mean is, you don’t want to be all “Hi. I like your profile. I hope you message me back,” but nor do you want to write a 10-page diatribe about what you think the two of you have in common and why s/he should give you a chance. Actually, in GENERAL you don’t want to write messages that are too long (unless they are really into it, in which case go for it). The problem with long messages is that it takes a long time to think about your points and write back, and at the beginning stages that’s a lot to ask someone to invest.
Don’t over think it! You’re trying to be yourself, right? So take a look a their profile, see what it is about them that you like or that you have in common, and send them a few lines. Example, and you both like the TV show, The Office based on profile info:
Hi [Name], How’s your week going so far? It’s Thursday, so I’ll be DVRing the new episode of The Office, but I can’t say I’m too excited about it since I feel like it’s not as great as it used to be. Do you have any fun plans for the weekend? Hope to talk to you soon, Dr. JaneNOTE: I asked two questions! It is imperative that you ask questions if you want to get responses. If you wrote only statements, your eCrush may have an interest in talking to you, but s/he may not know what to say, and then they just leave it for later and never bother to respond. Like it or not, talking with a complete stranger is awkward as all hell, and the best way to make it a little better is to make it easier for them by prompting conversation with – say it with me now – questions.
Also, Leave out the negativity. No one needs to know how much or why you are jaded by dating. You’re trying to begin something positive, so leave Debbie/ Dougie Downer at home and try to be your happy self.
Part II: Dating
So once you’re communicating, how long do you wait until you decide to meet? Well that depends on what you’re comfortable with. I’m chasing that first date, so I’ll go out with him as soon as he asks me. I always tell my roommates when and where I’m going, and I text them periodically to let them know how it’s going and when I expect to be home. BE SAFE. There are a lot of weirdos our there. Don’t let yourself be a statistic. If you’re not ready to meet your match, don’t. And if s/he isn’t ready, don’t push. Nothing good will come of one or both people being uncomfortable on the first date. This whole ritual is awkward enough as it is thankyouverymuch.
So once you’ve established a safe, public place to meet, and you’ve told a few people when and where you’re going, how do you maneuver the awkwardness in person? HAHAHAAH. No seriously. It’s not that ba-HAHAHAH!!! Ok. Unless you met someone who completely gels with you from moment one (good luck), chances are there will be at least a few awkward moments. That does not mean the date was not a success! It’s hard engaging with someone you don’t know, even if you’ve been talking to them online for a while. Just don’t try too hard, remember that the person across the table from you is probably as nervous as you are, and let it happen naturally. Worst thing that can happen is s/he isn’t really into you – and that would SUCK, esp if you’re really excited by them – but so what? You pick up the pieces and move on.
I highly recommend dating two or more people online while you’re still testing the waters, so you don’t feel like all your successes are pinned on one candidate. I’ve never been one to date more than one guy at a time, but trust me, you’ll feel less vulnerable if you eggs are not all in one basket, at least at first.
If you’re after the prize on the first date, there probably isn’t much chance that you and this person have a long-term future together. And hey, go for it if that’s what you’re into. If you want long-term stability (I realize how incredibly old-fashioned this sounds, but TRUST ME) don’t even go for a kiss on the first date. I mean it. I realize that the other person may feel like you weren’t into if you don’t lock lips, but that’s why god invented hugging. I feel like a grandmother saying this. Srsly. If they do go for the kiss and you really want to kiss them back, psh, just do it! It would be awkward at that point to back out. But if they don’t try or you don’t want to, just settle for a hug. As much as you want. It’s innocent and kind of endearing. And statistically, the slower you move from first meet to buckwild in the sack, the more of a chance you have for longevity in the relationship.
Ok, so go out and get yourself some dates! And tell me how it goes (but only if it goes well, kthxbai). Also, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter (@dbeid). I know I haven’t really been tweeting much, but I promise I’ll get the hang of it and entice you with tidbits of Experiments that have yet to be written up! And be sure to check back tomorrow for the conclusion of my Online Dating 101 series, with miscellaneous thoughts, advice, and rantings. Lots of links tomorrow ladies and gents!
Online Dating 101: The dating profile
If there is one thing I had to say I’ve learned the MOST about during this project thus far, I’d say it’s dating profiles (oh, and communicating. I’m damn good at that, too…). I actually set up my user profile on OhMyGODWhyAmITheOnlyOneWhoStillIsntMarried.com back when I tried online dating “for real,” but I didn’t actually pay for the website’s services until I decided to start the blog. I have not changed one single thing about my profile since I started conducting Experiments (well, I’ve added about 6 more pictures, but that was before I even went on Experiment #1). My profile is successful for the following reasons:
- It’s honest. I didn’t try to create some persona of an ideal woman I thought all guys want. It’s just me.
- It’s not TOO revealing. So you’re obsessed with Twilight? That’s great! But guess what: I find that people either LOVE Twilight right along with you, or they thing it’s stupid. Sorry babe. I’m not saying that it’s stupid (it is). I’m saying it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. And people online can be REALLY judgmental about online profiles. Is Twilight so important to you that you have to disclose it right up front and risk reducing your pool of men from which to choose? Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t list your interests. I’m saying you should be selective about them, and once you’ve met your own Subject date, you may not even want to reveal it on the first date. I have on my profile that I love football, because if we’re being honest, it’s something that takes up a LOT of my time between September and February, and wouldn’t want to date a man that couldn’t relate to something that’s that big in my life. When you’re thinking about making your profile, things like Twilight, D&D, WoW (really any RPG), sports, hobbies, bands, etc. should be something that take up a lot of time in your life AND AND AND be something that you really want your partner to have an interest in, too. Otherwise leave it out. (I know what you’re thinking: But Dr. Jane, if I can’t talk about my obsessions, what can I talk about? Read on my friends. I have to finish this list before I can start the next one…)
- My pictures actually look like me. And I have 10 photos uploaded (the site I use allows up to 12). And I have a diverse range of pictures ranging from close ups with one other girl (4) to group shots doing things like wine tasting, showing off a cake I made, at a baseball game, etc. Let’s face it: people will sum you up in a matter of seconds by looking at your profile, so you want to come across as someone they can see themselves relating to. If you looked at my profile pics, you would be able to walk past me on the street and recognize me. Not like this guy or this guy or this guy who looked so different from their pics that I nearly felt I had been baited and switched. So how do you know if a picture is good? Ask a friend! What if you don’t have very many pictures of yourself? Grab a friend and run around town taking pictures in cool places of you and some people doing fun things. Srsly. You’ll get out what you put in. Promise.
So what are some safe, relevant things you can talk about about in your profile to maximize general interest in you without being to generic and/or fake? Glad you asked! How about activities, books (or other things you read, but in general), family, food, friends, goals, hobbies, interests, job, level of activeness in lifestyle (mellow – fairly laid back – somewhat active – pretty busy – healthy dose of activity), movies (in general), music (in general), other general media, pets, places you’ve lived, school, sports (in general), travel, vacations you’ve taken or you’d like to take, volunteering, where you grew up. That list should get you started, but remember: when it comes to things like movies, music, sports, etc. you don’t want to just make a list of films/ bands/ songs/ teams you like. Instead mention that you like it, what your favorite is maybe, and how big a part of your life it is, if at all.
WHATEVER YOU DO, do not – I repeat, DO NOT – mention religion or politics. Hear me out. If you go to church every Sunday, put that. If you worked on the Obama campaign, put that. If you think people who don’t accept Jesus Christ are going to Hell/ Owning a gun should be criminal/ [other religious or political statement], you’re probably going to alienate a LOT of people by writing it in your first-impression page. Sure, you want to find someone who agrees with you, but do you want to lose your chance to meet that person because even though s/he shares your belief, s/he finds it off-putting that you felt it’s such a big part of yourself that it needed to be the first thing you said about yourself? Always stray from politics and religion with unfamiliar company.
You have kids? Do you mention them in your profile? Depends on what you want out of the relationship. If you want a step-parent for them, you probably want to disclose that up front. If you’re looking for a casual relationship, or if you don’t have the rugrats in your life a majority of the time, it’s probably something you can save for after you two start talking.
What should you look for in judging a profile? First, disregard their profile picture. Unless someone is freak show ugly, you can’t assume their profile picture is an accurate representation of their likeness. I am wary of a profile that has no pic at all, but that might just be me (it’s weird). Also, don’t dismiss them based on quirks like Twilight or WoW. Remember, they don’t have the good Doctor to coach them on creating their profiles. Maybe it’s something they like, but to find out whether it’s a 40-hr/wk obsession or just something they’re into, you should ask them. I guess the best rule of thumb is to be open minded. There have been several Subjects I’ve met so far who I wouldn’t have given a second thought had I not been embarking on this project, but who have pleasantly surprised me with their relatability, level of interest, and even physical appearance.
So that’s my advice on profiles. Take it or leave it. (You should really take it. I’m an expert on first dates and first impressions.) Check back tomorrow on communicating guidelines, and ProTips on getting that first date! Follow me on Twitter (@dbeid) for updates on upcomming dates, and – if you’re lucky – maybe live tweets during actual Experiments!
Online Dating 101: Is dating online right for me?
Who’s meeting romantic interests online? Probably more people than you think. (Your mom’s probably on Match.com. Just sayin’.) Some people still look at you like you have leprosy on your face if you say you’re looking for love in the Nettersphere, but it’s almost becoming the norm for urban and even suburban singles. CCHHHELLLOOOOOooooosssss. How else is a busy, ambitious, popular, active professional supposed to find time to meet her dream guy? And where is she supposed to meet him? At the grocery store? At church? Let’s be real. You’re more likely to be hit by a car and fall in love with your doctor all reverse-Florence-Nightingale style than you are to fall in love at the local Whole Foods. (NOTE: I am not advocating playing on the freeway to test this theory. Kthxbai.) Several of the Subjects I’ve met while conducting my Experiments have mentioned that they feel the whole idea of meeting someone on a dating site to be slightly embarrassing. But when I set off researching if there was a consensus in the blogosphere about whether paying for a dating site is something to be ashamed of, the overwhelming conclusion was ‘absolutely not.’ But operating under the assumption that your friends and family aren’t actually going to ridicule you for meeting a partner online, how do you know that paying money for a dating site is what you’re looking for? Well, that depends on what you’re looking for. And you may be surprised to learn that what you want could very well determine which site you may want to join.
So why do you want to try online dating? Have you ever thought about it? If you say “I’m just really ready to be in a relationship,” you might as well say “I just really want a magic genie to show up and grant me three wishes that will make my happy for the rest of my life.” Being single is by definition being alone at times, and if you’re looking for someone to ease the loneliness, keep in mind that no one person can fulfill all your social and emotional needs; it takes an entire network of people to support you in all the different aspects of your life. Remember that time you dated that person and the two of you were supercloselikethis and then when you broke up all your friends had moved on with their lives because you were MIA throughout your now-failed relationship? If you’re thinking that finding a significant other will solve all your problems and open the door to eternal happiness and some idyllic, static life, you may be are setting the bar too high! And honestly, that’s probably the most common attitude I come across while conducting my experiments…. Possibly because the site I use is PleaseHelpMeGetMarriedASAP.com. I mean, maybe you want to be horribly codependent on one person for the rest of your life. I will just judge you if you rush into it and isolate yourself in doing so. Fair warning.
So get this: there’s pretty much a dating site for every demographic and every interest. JDate.com is designed primarily for Jewish singles looking for someone who shares their cultural, moral and/ or religious values. eHarmony was originally designed for Christian singles, but is now marketed as the place to go if you want to find a spouse. Match.com runs the gamut from finding a one-night stand to meeting new people and having fun to looking for something serious and potentially long-term. I have a hard time taking OkCupid seriously, since there is almost no effort on the site’s part to encourage congruity, but it’s basically like Friendster with a dating theme. And there are loads of other sites like PlentyOfFish, LavaLife, the Yahoo! Personals, and so very many more. So if you decide that signing up for a site is what you want, then make sure ask around and read up on the differences between each site so you can get out of it exactly what you want. ProTip: If you aren’t paying money for it, it’s probably just a meat market.
Blah blah blah. I haven’t answered your question, Is it right for you? I say what do you have to lose? You can always try it and leave it. ProTip: join a few sites, set up your free profile, then sit back and wait for them to send you some kind of limited-time offer. After a few weeks many of them will send a promotional 3-month or 6-month option for up to 50% off the front-page price. Me personally? I did online dating for a month “for real” before I started conducting these Experiments you’ve come to know and love. I did it because I was new to the area, I was living in the burbs while I was job/apartment hunting in the City, and I wanted to get out of the house and meet people in the area. I hated it. HAY-TED EH-T. I think the reason I’m having so much fun on my Experiments, whereas I wanted to give up on men and become a cat hoarding spinster before the blog, is that this time around I’m totally open minded. I mean, my reasons are nothing close to altruistic: I’m just chasing that first date. But I’ve seen so much in the Subjects I’ve been out with that I would have immediately dismissed when I was sincerely expecting to find a boyfriend (or rather, a distraction from a broken heart).
So figure out if you want to sign up, and then pick a site. Tomorrow check back for tips and tricks about profiles: building yours and judging theirs. Meanwhile follow me on Twitter (@dbeid) for updates on upcoming Experiments and – if your lucky – live tweets on how the dates go.
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