Double Blind Experiments in Dating

Hypothesis (prediction before the date): This guy is obviously insecure. I kind of already feel bad for him. I have every reason to believe that he will be shy and awkward because it is so obvious that he’s insecure.

Materials (the guy, the place, any other variables):

• I ascertained while on the date that he’s in management training at a bus manufacturing company. He likes football, and we like the same team.
• We’re going to a sort of divey sports restaurant that’s just off the tourist strip for some beers and maybe an appetizer.

Procedures (omg what happened???): So let’s not beat around the bush and cut straight to the chase: he was awkward. Not like I-want-to-get-up-from-the-table-and-throw-myself-into-the-ocean awkward, but there was a lot of “SOOO, what do you do?….. SOOOO, where are you from…. SOOOOOOOO, is this date over yet?”

He was twenty minutes late (perhaps this was karma for me being 30 minutes late for Experiment #9?), but I cut him a break because he did drive one and a half hours to get to the date. He said he’d figured I would have left, and he has NO idea how close he was to being correct. I mean, I wasn’t really in the mood to play nice, and it was severely chilly out, so the ONLY reason I stuck around in because I texted my roomie and asked what the appropriate time to wait was, and she said one hour. Sir, you can thank my pretty roomie for the opportunity to enjoy my company and buy me beers.

So we had Sierra Nevadas on tap (which, btw, are significantly better than Sierra Nevadas in the bottle) and some buffalo wings that were scrumptious! I haven’t found any other place in this City that serves ’em quite like that. HOWEVER, two drawbacks: First, he was eating obnoxiously slow, and I always try to match pace with my date. I mean, do you really need to take ten minutes to consume a CHICKEN WING??? Please. I can put one of those things down in 3 seconds flat. And I mean pick the bones CLEAN. Second, at one point I touched my chest and noticed I had bleu cheese sauce dripped on my collar. And he didn’t tell me! I know what you’re thinking: I didn’t tell the Bloody Mess when he smeared sanguine fluids all over his chin, so how can I get upset about this Subject not telling me about a little dipping sauce? Simple. All this Subject had to say way, “Whoops, you dripped a little sauce just there…” and if he was a smooth mover he may have even grabbed his napkin and helped me wipe it up because it wasn’t in an inappropriate place. For me to tell the Bloody Mess about his dribble, I would have to say “OMG YOU’RE BLEEDING! WTF HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!?” And that, ladies and gentlemen, would have been horribly awkward for the both of us.

You know, if you're judging on pictures alone, you'd probably think this was a food blog. Related: mmmm chicken wings!

I know, I know, I haven’t really talked about this guy much. And that’s because I don’t really have too much to tell about him. I can tell you he goes to bed very early because he has to be at work at 4:00am every morning. That sounds exciting! And I can tell you I’m getting tired of telling the same stories about myself over and over. Our conversations were very getting-to-know-you, by the book. No entertaining stories even! However… there was one über exciting/disappointing moment for me: He invited me to an NFL game where my FAVORITE TEAM OF ALL TIME was playing. And because I have a firm no second dates rule, I had to decline. Sad face.

Results (the good, the bad, and the ugly): Nothing about this guy interested me. Nothing. Ok, he likes my favorite team, but so do Madridillions (I can’t decide if that’s a number or a noun for someone who is from Madrid) of other people. That’s not a good enough reason to warrant a second date, even if I didn’t have a standing rule against such activities.

Conclusion (overall rating): Seriously, the wings are going to earn him an extra point on this one. I’m going back for more of those tasty little devils soon. But I would much rather have gone to this quirky little sports bar with my homegirls during Monday Night Football than with this boring, boring man. I give it a 5.