Double Blind Experiments in Dating

Hypothesis (prediction before the date): I don’t really know too much about this Subject, but he seems nice and he’s interested in some of the things I’m most interested in: wine and football. I expect this will be a fairly amicable albeit chemistry-less date.

Materials (the guy, the place, any other variables):

• He works in the wine industry as some kind of analyst. It’s hard for me to keep them straight at this point, because there are a few guys in wine that I’m talking to, and they almost always work in distribution, marketing, or as an “analyst,” whatever that means.
• We’re going to a place my roommate recommended that has a great wine list.

Procedures (omg what happened???): When I showed up to the restaurant, he was standing outside, and told me he’d been waiting for an hour. WHAT?! I am never late by more than a minute or two. Turns out he got there half an hour early and I had thought the Experiment was scheduled for 7:30, not 7:00, so between the two of us we managed to leave him alone at the bar for an hour. Not too big of a deal though, since at 6:30 there was an hour wait and I only had to bide a few minutes with him before we were seated. Creepy moment: As I was apologizing profusely for my misunderstanding, he said “You’re a lot cuter than I expected, so you get a pass.” Now the phrase itself wasn’t creepy. It was the way he looked at me like he was undressing me with his eyes while he said it. I just got the heebee jeebees again thinking about it.

This man is your typical yup. Let’s discuss a few things about him that were classic yuppie behavior:

-         After asking me about my apartment in the City, he informed me that he has a sixty-six hundred square foot house in the suburbs, complete with a large and stocked wine cellar.

-         He told me that the night following the Experiment, he had two excellently seated tickets to a “rock” concert that comprised one flagrantly and one ambiguously gay performer, both of whom I like marginally at best. But he asked me to go with him and I had no problem saying I was busy.

-         Having worked in the wine industry and majored in something-something-wine-something in college, he had heard that Robert Mondavi was “famously accessible” (he said that), so he got a meeting with the man.

-         Best quote: “To tell you how ingrained I am in the wine industry – if this is some kind of measure that can prove it to you – I am friends with Charles Shaw on facebook.” For those of you who are unfamiliar with cheap wine, Charles Shaw is the brand sold by Trader Joe’s that is commonly referred to as Two Buck Chuck.

-         At one point I told him my dad is a bourbon guy, and he said “well he’s going to want to keep me around then.” Glad to know we’re already ready to meet each other’s parents!

I can personally assure you that my vague online social networking connection with a marginally significant player within my industry secures my credibility within said industry.

Before he was a wine major he wanted to be a sportscaster, so he knows all about sports. When we talked about football he was almost condescending in his discussion with me. Like every time I’d bring something up, he’d counter it with some crazy-obscure fact, making himself sound pretentious. But the whole night was literally football, then wine, then football, then wine, then football… you get the idea… peppered with awkward silences and creepy stares that made me feel unclean.

For dinner we had a plate of prosciutto to start, then we split this decadent pumpkin gnocchi, paired with an Italian wine that I had never had, could not pronounce, and cannot remember now. Then we finished with this chocolate lava cake that was sprinkled with salt and drizzled with olive oil. The components of this paragraph were by far my favorite part of the date.

Two fun wine stories from this Subject:

1)      When he met Robert Mondavi, he said the man looks like a mafia gangster with a polyester suit and deep raspy voice, but he’s very friendly and at the end of their private meeting he gave the Subject a bottle of some vintage reserve wine that was meant to impress me.

2)      I had heard that the way the “Two Buck Chuck” brand came about is that when Charles Shaw divorced his wife, the settlement was structured so that she got the profits form that brand, so he priced it with a very low profit margin to screw her. According to the Subject (who is friends with the man on facebook), this is not true. His version goes like this: Charles Shaw used to be a winery with a fair amount of class, and the winemaker pursued some varietal that never really caught on. Then when he divorced Lucy (I love how he refers to her by her first name like he knows her), she got the rights and sold them to Franzia of Slap-That-Bag vineyards.

Results (the good, the bad, and the ugly): He made me uncomfortable. He really did. Between the awkward stares and the patronizing conversations about wine and football – both of which he knew much more about than me – I was genuinely put off by this Subject.

Conclusion (overall rating): The food was fantastic, the wine was a new experience but not inspiring. The guy was self-obsessed and remarkably unattractive.  I’d give it a 5, with heavy emphasis on the pumpkin-cheese and chocolate-olive oil combinations.