Double Blind Experiments in Dating

Hypothesis (prediction before the date): This Subject has been pretty temperamental with me thus far. I almost get the impression that he thinks I should feel privileged that he is speaking to me, which is funny because he barely fits inside the half-your-age-plus-7 rule with me, AND he looks overweight and pretty unattractive. I hope he’s not as snotty on the date as he was when we first started speaking, though in his defense he has been a little nicer and more accommodating to me in the past few days.

Materials (the guy, the place, any other variables):

• This Subject is a very successful finance guy who is obviously overly confident yet still single at 33 and trying online dating because… welp, where else are you supposed to meet a classy lady in this town?!
• Sushi! Sushi sushi sushi sushi at one of the better places in town. Mmmm I really want sake bombs, but I’m not ready to take that on with anyone other than my 9illion closest friends… but let’s be real, not a complete stranger.

Procedures (omg what happened???): Holy mother of all awkward first dates! Bahaha this guy is the reason I wanted to start this blog. He showed up 15 minutes late, probably so he could show off his brand new luxury car as he handed it off to the valet. NBD, peeps! He then had all the class to have me walk with him a few blocks to an ATM to grab cash, and all the way there and back he basically gave me a thorough dossier of the prestigious schools he attended and banks where he’s worked, cut of course with the systems he’s managed and the number of people he’s fired. Excellent start to the date, sir. Time for a beer!

Half way through my first Sapporo, he ordered his second. Now I try to match my Subjects drink for drink, but it became clear quite early on that there’s no way I could keep up with this guy. MIND YOU, he did spend the entire Experiment giving me a hard time about how I’m obviously a vodka-luge guzzling lush. He also carried on about stories where he went to Vegas with some co workers and wound up taking one back and tapping that in the company-sponsored hotel. Heeeyyyy awkward! No wonder you thought I was lucky to be talking to you!

He told me about his best friend to whom he loaned a substantial number of $Gs once, and whom he regularly re-lends more money because “it’s always good to have your friends in your pocket like that.” I really can’t see at this point why this guy was single. I mean, when the edamame showed up he literally couldn’t shovel it into his mouth fast enough, while he finished the story he was telling me. Nothing turns me on like half-masticated soy beans.

Best part of the evening, hands down: at one point I realized his chin was bleeding, but I continued on with my story like it ain’t no thing. But the spot soon turned into a drip, and he smeared it across his entire chin while it continued to spew out more blood. And there goes my appetite, friends! He had picked a zit on his chin and now it was gushing hemoglobin all over his face while I was trying to stomach raw tuna. And to add to my insensitive humor, he actually stayed and talked to me with his hand over his chin and half his mouth for a solid five minutes before excusing himself to the restroom.

What, is there something on my face?

Results (the good, the bad, and the ugly): There is no way I would have dated this guy again, second date rules not withstanding. Unsurprisingly he was actually kind of attractive, despite the horrific profile picture, but his tableside manner left everything to be desired. Sadly enough, though, we were doing a little simple math and I couldn’t multiply twelve by five and add twenty. Mind you, I had had three Sapporos to his five, and he could somehow manage. I don’t even know why we were trying to do such simple math, because the bill certainly was not $80. I told him about a certain Google app called Goggles that makes you do math before you send an email to prevent drunken mailing. He said I obviously wouldn’t be allowed to send mail at this point, and I agreed and got up out of there faster than I’m sure this Subject’s coworker did the walk of shame out of his hotel room back in Vegas.

Conclusion (overall rating): The beer and the sushi were fantastic, his inappropriate level of awkwardness was far more entertaining than any story he could have possibly relayed to me. I’d give this one a 7, though this rating has everything to do with my own personal amusement and nothing to do with the quality of the Subject.