Creepers in online dating
We all know that there are a lot of skeezy individuals hiding in the dark cracks – and even in the bright light of day out on the interwebs. I take every precaution when I’m communicating with Subjects to NOT put myself in a risky situation. I’m private about my personal contact info, I meet in public places and let my friends know where, when and with whom I’m going out, and if a red flag goes off, I bail without question.
What’s a red flag, you might ask? Funny you should ask! I already mentioned one guy who felt it necessary to inform me that he’s heard that he’s “amazing in bed.” Today, when a potential Subject and I got to the “ask each other questions” stage in communicating on IfI’mNotMarriedByThisTimeNextYearI’llJustDie.com, I was asked a question that I thought was very out of character for the marriage-oriented dating site. Below is a slicing and dicing of several conversations I had with various individuals online when I told them he said the following (note: PG-13):
me: ARE YOU %@&$ING KIDDING ME???
“1. Are u comfortable expressing urself sexually with ur lover..?” well I am, but I am NOT comfortable with the way you use grammar!!! friend: wtf kind of question is that? me: this guy takes pics with his iphone of himself with his shirt off in front of a mirror he’s THAT GUY
This is not THE guy from my conversation, but he is equally ridiculous as the one who wanted to know about how I exprress my sexuality.
So suffice to say, my communication with him ended immediately. Too bad, because the reason I wanted the date in the first place is that he looks like a pretty ridiculous person, what with the self-portraits and such. In the end it’s for the best. Last thing I need is a roofie-colada from a 33-yo who thinks he’s a Greek God!
Experiment #3: The funny man
Hypothesis (prediction before the date): I think this guy is going to be hilarious, charming and full of great stories.
Materials (the guy, the place, any other variables):
- This guy is the one I mentioned as being a crack-up in my previous post. He’s currently unemployed, and as a recent addition to the job force I can relate to his frame of mind and methodology as a broke individual.
- As a man with limited means, and because I’ve mentioned that I also generally live somewhere between meagerly and destitute, we decided to role like recessionists and hit up Taco Tuesday: $1 Tacos and $2 Coronas.
Procedures (omg what happened???): As I was waiting for Subject #3 to show up, I checked my facebook account via my smartphone, and I saw that, after weeks of not speaking with him, I had received a message from the man who inspired the very first sentence of the very first post of this blog about first dates. The message was something along the usual tune of I’m-sorry-I-can’t-give-you-what-you-want-right-now/ I-really-care-about-you/ I-want-us-to-stay-friends-because-you-mean-a-lot-to-me/ I’m-a-douchebag (I added that last one in, but deservedly so, I think!) So what did Dr. Jane do? She put her phone away, put a smile on her face and met Subject #3!
He’s not as funny in person as he was online, though he is very witty and fun to talk to. He was born in the same foreign country as me, so halfway through the date he informed me that he brought me a present, and pulled out a bag of Haribo gummies! How adorable is that?! We talked a lot about politic-esque stuff without ever actually talking about politics, if that makes sense. He’s obviously smart and fairly easy on the eyes.
The first present I've received from a Subject: Haribo gummies!
My favorite story he told me was why we put limes in our Coronas. Apparently, in Mexico, there’s a rampant problem of bugs getting into people’s beers, so they put the lime on it to stop the bugs from going in. We Americans somehow translated that into pushing the lime into our beer and drinking it. I guess it was just luck that it turns out to also be delicious!
So everything sounds great, and the place is good, and the guy is fun, so wonderful, right? I have some bad news: Subject #3 does not really care about food. He eats it, he likes it when it’s good, but it’s really just something that keeps him alive.
THAT IS A DEALBREAKER, SIR!
I would estimate that no less than 95% of the times that I have said the exact phrase “I am so happy right now,” it has been after I have eaten/ drank something decadent. I am not exaggerating! I am a foodie, and a great deal of my socialization revolves around food. Not that there was ever a second date planned, but if this had been a real date and not an Experiment, no second date would have ever been scheduled.
Results (the good, the bad, and the ugly): Subject #3 is a LOT like me, so of course I adored him! He’s got a great head on his shoulders, and would make any woman comfortable on a first date with his gentle eyes and thoughtful gift. He walked me most of the way to “where I was meeting my friends,” which was so gentlemanly.
Conclusion (overall rating): Subject #3 made great conversation and the gummies were fantastic. It was just sitting in a bar, but I had a great time getting to know him for three hours. All-in-all I’d give it a 7 for atmosphere and company.
Nothing today kids
No post today, since I’m busy conducting Experiments this week. Another Experiment post tomorrow, though! And with that, I leave you with this wonderful blind date scene from the ever-hilarious It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:
(unfortunately I can’t post hulu videos to WordPress, so just click this link and get ready to laugh)
http://www.hulu.com/watch/104263/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-meeting-his-date
Experiment #2: The tool
Hypothesis (prediction before the date): I think this is going to be fun, spunky date. He seems really nice, and he comes across as liking to talk about himself a lot, which is probably for the better since I felt like I talked too much on my first experiment.
Materials (the guy, the place, any other variables):
- Well, this Subject does not live in the City proper, but rather in a suburb that is a decent distance from here. That’s right: my milkshake is bringing the boys to the yard from afar. Heyoooo! Back to the Subject, he’s really seems brotastic. He likes alternative, edgy music, he’s in to BMX racing, and he spikes his hair. Because he’s the local equivalent of a bridge-and-tunnel transplant, he doesn’t really know the neighborhoods very well.
- He’s taking me to a place that is very popular, but off the beaten path of the hot spots in town.
Procedures (omg what happened???): WOW. Well, the intention of this blog is not to rag about guys who aren’t guys I want to date. Honestly, I appreciate that the Subjects I’m meeting are sincere guys who are honestly putting themselves out there to meet a nice girl and pursue a relationship. That said, the best and most honest thing I can say about this guy is that he is a tool. Very nice, very generous and eager to please. But complete tool. He doesn’t really have that much going for him, but he definitely thinks he is the hottest ticket in town.
So I was a few minutes late to the restaurant, which was fine because there was an hour and a half wait. This is, after all, a very popular restaurant. Good job thinking ahead, bro. We decided to walk down the street to a bar for a drink while we waited. I get a cocktail, and he orders a double of Jack with a coke back. Strike one. He leaned in all over me while we talked. Strike two. Throughout the night, anytime I said something he liked, he high-fived me – don’t get me wrong, I’m a proponent of the high five, but one every five minutes? Focus. Strike three. He tells me numerous stories about how he’s the boss of his house (he has a roommate) and how when he worked in a restaurant he was the boss there. Control like whoa! Aren’t we out of strikes at this point?
Someone get me away from this guy? PLEASE???
He talks way more than I do, which I pretty hard to do. I had a difficult time getting two words in edgewise. And yes, he repeatedly talked over me. This guy is TOTES a keeper, right??? He also told me he doesn’t smoke, but does while drinking. Yet he needed to take a cigarette break midway through dinner. And he told me stories about hanging out at his house with friends and smoking. And taking smoke breaks at work. And his voice sounds like he’s been a chain smoker for the past twenty years. Why couldn’t he just say he’s a smoker? Fail, sir. Big fail.
But enough with the list of reasons I would not date him. About the guy! No intriguing stories worth passing along, but a few fun personality quirks: He was ADHD growing up, and now he finds constructive ways to manage his affliction. He teaches himself how to do things. Cool, right! Like how he’s teaching himself to cook. We literally spent the better part of an hour talking about cooking and recipes. He also has a brother who is a year older than me, went to my university, and was in the fraternity that I hung out with the most in college. I didn’t recognize his name, but I am positive the brother and I have upward of spillions of friends in common.
Results (the good, the bad, and the ugly): I can get along with pretty much anyone. You know someone is a really off if I can’t find a way to lightly chat with them. I mean it! So I had fun, even though I was not excited about the Subject I was talking to a really difficult time trying to stay polite and adorable while feeling awkward because he was obviously pushing for chemistry and there just really wasn’t any there. He even alluded a lot to future dates we’d be having or time we’d be spending together. Um, something about counting chickens in relation to when they’re supposed to hatch? Way to make assumptions on the first date, guy!
Conclusion (overall rating): The date wasn’t bad horrible, even though I wasn’t crazy about could barely stand the Subject. I’d give it a 4 because the place was fun, the food was good, and if nothing else I was at no point bored.
Getting to know the Subjects
As I’ve touched on before, embarking on this project requires talking to tons of potential Subjects. The current dating site I subscribe to, AllMyFriendsAreGettingMarriedAndNowIFeelIHaveToGetMarriedToo.com, is a pretty structured site that prompts communication in a notably controlled way. Before I can even see the profile of a man, I have to have a certain level of compatibility with him. Then, if we both have an interest in each other’s profiles, we can mutually respond to questions. If the questions phase goes well, web-based, personal-contact-info-free communication begins.
This means between the various stages, and the actual email volleying, I will send upward of 25 messages a day. This project has practically become a second job for me, and it’s only been a week!
Sometimes communication is really easy. There’s one Subject I’ve been talking to who cracks me up! He’s currently on a Safari in the Great Recession, hunting for the elusive Job. Here’s an example of his humor, taken from a conversation where we were discussing getting together:
Are you available all next week for both? Any preference on the day? My calendar is kind of like one that belongs to a hobo. I wake up at 10… maybe look for some cans or something. Eat any bit of food I can find. Maybe take a nap (or pass out from malnutrition as you normal folk like to call it). Maybe hop on a rail car to another city and get chased by baton wielding railroad police. It’s quite the adventure every day!So maybe it’s not side-splitting, but when you’re reading at your desk on a hungover Friday morning, it’s enough to make you nearly blow coffee out your nose. He and I already have an Experiment scheduled, and I think he’s going to be loads of fun.
The trick comes when there is a Subject who really isn’t very interesting. No one yet has been unbearable – after all, we’ve been algorithmically matched, so we obviously have some things in common, right? But some of the guys are so dry. it’s like having a conversation with my long-lost aunt, carrying on about very cliché things like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. And I’m not even joking, I made a joke about the below, cheesy dating song to one of the Subjects, and he said my interests were “poetic.” For god’s sake, man, have you never watched Blind Date???
But this isn’t about finding the perfect person for me. It’s about going on first dates. So even if a Subject bores me to tears/ death/general insanity, I still respond to his communications. I’m very open to the possibility that someone who cannot write entertaining emails can be remarkably entertaining in real life. After all, I thought conversation with Subject #1 was going to be like pulling teeth to get him to talk, and it turned out we had no problem chit-chatting for two hours!
Small tangent: So far I’d estimate that about one half of the potential Subjects I’ve spoken with have been to Costa Rica in the past three years. I’m telling you, it’s the new Vegas. A fair number work in IT or as Engineers of various fields. I think these trends tell me more about myself and the kinds of guys I am matched with than they do about individual Subjects.
Another Experiment post for tomorrow! This guy is a bit more interesting than Subject #1. Tell your friends!
Experiment #1: The friend twin
Hypothesis (prediction before the date): This subject has been very friendly to get to know. He is the person I described in an earlier post who never asks questions, but who is still easy to talk to. I expect that this date will be amicable and fairly uneventful. HOWEVER two days before the date I did have this conversation with my best friend over the gchats:
me: he wants to take me to [redacted] bff: haha. you are JOKING right? me: NO!!! bff: not for dinner.. but for a bar? me: how hilarious is that?!?! bff: um.. you do realize the whole place has naked girls everywhere… me: haha really??? WOWMaterials (the guy, the place, any other variables):
- He’s nowhere near unattractive. He’s actually cute in a fratty kind of way, more so in person thatn in pictures. But in his profile pic it appears he has a rather prominent mole on his upper lip, and all I can think about is this quote from Fresh Prince of Bel Air where Hilary is obsessed with the mole on her date’s face.
- We went to a 60s-style bar, complete with Volkswagen Buses as lounge booths and – yes – torn up Playboy and Hustler magazine pages lacquered on the floor. What was really interesting was seeing several pairs of breasts staring up at me from the floor of the ladies’ room while I did my business.
Procedures (omg what happened???): One of my closest friends from college, Adrien, got married last weekend. Subject #1 is his twin in every way! Ok, he’s about 6 inches shorter because Adrien is a tall, TALL man, but otherwise they look alike, speak alike, even GESTURE alike, everything. So naturally I adored him. I had so much fun on my first first date! When I arrived at the boobie-lacquered bar, I immediately took notice of the vintage female nudity staring at me, and Subject #1 apologized for the obscenities, claiming his friend “misinformed” him about the bar. But true to legend, there were multiple vans broken down and converted to bar booths.
Not exactly twins... but could be!
Some highlights: We swapped crazy college stories since we were both in the greek system, and we also swapped living and traveling stories. He’s went to college in the South, where there were local horse races, complete with college girls dressed up in pearls and big-fancy-thank-you-very-much hats, getting sloshed and sloppy in tents out front of the race tracks. He also got mugged in Costa Rica, and to his rescue came two giant local San Jose-ians for whom he later bought copious drinks. Tourist scam? Insanely good luck? You be the judge. He’s actually traveled to a bunch of places by himself, including San Jose, Thailand and in 28 days he’s leaving for Rio De Janero all by his lonesome.
I did notice that every time we got drinks (3 total), as we sipped his remained very dark and mine looked very clear. I don’t think he tipped the bartender to pour my drinks generously because we had 3 different bar tenders during our 2 hour chat, but I do think the bartenders spotted the game and called their own plays “in his favor” accordingly. Is there a bro-code for this kind of thing?
When it was time to close out the tab, of course I offered to split it with him and he commented that such an action was a very Local thing to do. Mind you, I have always reached for the check (and judged guys who let me pay on the first date, if we’re being honest – I’m a little old fashioned), but he said that between living in the South and living in Vegas, he’s never seen a girl reach for the check until he moved to this City.
Results (the good, the bad, and the ugly): I wouldn’t say this was the most interesting first date I’ve been on, but it was definitely pleasant. I Immediately called Adrien when the date ended and told him about his twin. His only question was, When is the second date? And that’s just the thing: I don’t want to date this subject, I don’t want to marry him or have his babies, but I would LOVE to be his new best friend and hang out with him all the time, just like I used to do with Adrien back in college. Also, my roommate, a City veteran, told me that the places Subject #1 told me he likes to hang out are very sketch, which is a red flag.
Conclusion (overall rating): I’d give the date a 6 out of 10 for general conversation and fun. That said, it was just sitting at a bar and chit-chatting about college and places we’ve been. And p.s.: the mole in the profile pic looks MUCH more like a freckle in real life. Boys are incapable of picking good profile pictures, QED.
Why no second dates?
I have numerous answers to that question, and I will lay them out for you below. Behold:
- I’m honestly not looking for romance right now. I don’t need to find myself or reinvent myself. I’d love to find someone special, but I don’t think dropping all standards and opening myself to any possibility is the path that’s right for me. Not that’s it isn’t right for someone else! I just don’t think it’s right for me.
- I envision a She’s All That scenario whereby I spend some time with a subject, and then I get to like him and he finds out that the entire pretext for our courtship is an ulterior motive. BAM! he hates me and I’m devastated by my own inconsiderate doings. Which leads me to…
- I want to keep a clear distinction between what’s experimental and what’s real. I’m not looking to lead anyone on or take advantage of someone by humoring my readers at their expense. I want to tell fun stories about my fun (or crazy? we’ll see…) dates.
That said, I’m knee-deep in finding prospects for this social experiment, and I actually like a lot of them! These are normal guys who are putting themselves out there, and it’s really fun getting to know them. 
Yes, I’ve already met a few creepers (like the guy who thought it was appropriate to share with me that he’s heard he’s “amazing in bed” in our FIRST correspondence), but I’m pleasantly surprised how wrong some of my first impressions are about people.
Before I started this project, I had tried online dating for one full month, and I abandoned it because I hated it. I’ve historically only dated guys who were really good friends, and I didn’t feel I could go out with someone and get to know them if I had met them under the supposition that eventually our time together would lead to something more serious. I was very picky about who I would talk to, and with my ridiculously high standards I found a great deal of disappointment. Now that this is just for fun, I’m finding those standards were major road blocks, and these dating sites can actually work for some people.
Prime example: One of the first subjects who approached me was, at first glance, NOT for me. I remember telling my roommate he looks like a child molester, and she told me that I cannot go out with him because she doesn’t want to find my broken body shoved in a dumpster. I’ve been talking with him, and he’s actually a really fun, energetic and kind person! Now, there’s still a chance he’s a creeper (there’s a chance ANYONE’s a creeper, including that friend your coworker set you up with that one time), but in the short while that I’ve been experimenting with online dating, I’ve learned that you really can’t write someone off based on their profile pictures – ESPECIALLY with guys because, let’s face it, guys are pretty awful at picking good profile pictures.
At the end of the day, the way I see it is that if I never embarked on this project, I’d likely still find someone eventually anyway, right? So no need to rely on my whimsical desires to find a life-partner boyfriend. And this way I’m not setting up myself or someone else for a potentially harmful situation.
So what if I do find someone I really want to see second time? We’ll cross that bridge when/ if we get there.
On finding test subjects for this project
Well I joined TheDatingSiteWherePeopleGoToGetMarried.com on Monday, and I’ve basically been talking nonstop with potential experimental dating subjects over the past few days. I’m currently in contact, according to this site, with 112 different subjects, but I think that’s slightly inflated. See, my strategy was to send out a communication bomb and just see who replies back. I probably have closer to 30 subjects with whom I am actually trading correspondence.
Of the 30-some men currently working to woo me, approximately zero have actually asked me out on a date. I know, right?! However, a few are getting close to making the move. Bearing in mind that at no point do I plan to give out any personal or contact information, one subject committed the following offenses that NORMALLY would have stricken him from my list of potential mates: 1. his subject line was “Hi cutie,” 2. he told me his yahoo and aim names, then informed me that we would no longer be communicating through the dating site (“hehe” = not creepy at ALL), 3. he proceeded to send me an average of 2 emails for every one I sent him. Sometimes it’s just one back, sometimes it’s three. This guy is itching to see me, I’m guessing, so perhaps he will be the actual first official experiment of this project.
Meanwhile, there is another potential subject who has already casually dropped hints about going to a Niners game or showing me around town, so If I were a betting woman, I’d put my money on him asking me out first, possibly as early as this weekend. The story with this man is that I sent him an email in response to his expressed interest in football, he replied back talking pigskin for a few sentences, then continued on to list all his favorite bands, books, authors, movies. etc. Clearly he likes his media? Maybe this is why he’s single. I don’t judge – until the date, of course.
Finally, the third subject that comes to mind is really trying my patience. He seems like a nice enough guy, but everyone knows that if you want someone to write you back, you have to give them at least one question to prompt the next conversation, right? If you don’t know that then shame on you, and now you do. This guy is actually pretty easy to converse with, but I always ask him questions and he has yet to ask me even ONE. Hence the burden of carrying the conversation lies HEAVILY on my pretty little shoulders. As such, I imagine that if we were to actually go out, the conversation would go something like this:
Me: “SO…. [insert question here]” Subject: “[One line answer, no follow-up question]” Me: “SO…. [insert question here]” Subject: “[One line answer, no follow-up question]” Me: “And SO…. [insert question here]” Subject: “[One line answer, no follow-up question]” [REPEAT FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THE DATE]I’m hoping to land my first experimental date within the next week or two, so in addition to the ImDyingToGetMarriedToTheFirstPersonWhoAsksMe.com website, I’m also playing around with a site that’s designed to throw together two people who know nothing about each other and have never talked, within about 24 hours of committing to a time and relative location. I have yet to get any hits off this secondary option, but I’d be highly interested to see the difference between OMGPleaseFindMeASpouseNOW.com and this other one.
Please tell your friends about my blog! I’m doing this 100% for fun, and right now I know it’s not terribly interesting since I haven’t actually gone out with any creepers freaks jerks mama’s boys strangers subjects yet, but once the ball starts rolling I will love to hear people’s feedback on the kinds of people and dates I find.
The name of the game
Today is October 20, 2009, and I’m starting this blog as I come out of yet another failed never-was relationship.
Not exactly the kind of blind date I'm going for... But you get the idea.
BAHAHA that sounds so depressing! Ok, but seriously, I’m 24 years old, I live and work in a major metropolitan area, and I hate dating. There, I said it. I loathe dating. I could carry on and on and on about the reasons guys can’t commit and why I feel I’m destined to be a spinster who grows out her armpit and leg hair, stops wearing makeup, collects hoards cats and shouts obscenities at young children and twiterpated couples as they pass her over-cluttered front porch, but that’s not what this blog is about. Nor is this blog about finding love: it’s about first dates. I have signed up for a few dating websites, and I intend to see just how many first dates I can go on. I expect my profiles will point me to a certain demographic of men, but I’m adopting a strict never-say-no policy, so as to maximize the number of dates I go on.
I was out to dinner last night with a couple I’m friends with. Nick and Christine live down by San Luis Obispo, and they got married a year ago last month. I was explaining the concept of this blog to them, and the tempranillo that was coursing haphazardly through our veins prompted us to envision a a Bridget Jones-esque scenario whereby I fall madly in love with the first blind date I go on, then spend the next year dedicating myself to this blog and denying wholeheartedly that I have feelings for said man. I should be so lucky. But in order to take full advantage of the effectiveness of the dates I plan to go on, I am setting up some ground rules. First, if someone starts communicating with me, I have to communicate with him back. No judging based on looks or common interests. Second, I will go on any date I’m asked on, with the caveat that all dates have to be in very public places, and I will tell a friend about my whereabouts and plans (we gotta be safe about this, ladies). Third, I will request communications from anyone. I mean it, I’m not discriminating. Because I’m not looking for the love of my life, I have zero inhibitions about who I will go out with. Finally – and this one is important – no second dates.
Why am I doing this, you may ask? A few very notable reasons come to mind. First and foremost I’m totally jaded on dating, so this is a way to not become the aforementioned spinster-lady while not wholeheartedly jumping into the dating pool. Second, and probably just as important: I am really poor. I make no money, but I love going out. I’m a very social person, and spending some time with these guys is a way to get free meals, even if not every meal is free.
So gentlemen, start your engines! I’m on the market and looking to have some of the best and worst first dates of my life. I don’t know how long it will take before I get my first date, but keep this blog bookmarked and check back for updates on all my dates.
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